Language learners always feel that to have good one-on-one conversations, they need more vocabulary, a better understanding of idioms, and to speak faster. This is not true.
The truth is that the best way of creating a connection during a conversation is to say less, listen more, and make the other person feel comfortable so that they share more with you.
The good news is that this does not require a high level of English, only the ability to listen for keywords and phrases. Once you learn to do this, you can use an essential skill called “mirroring,” which is the foundation of all informal conversations, business meetings, sales pitches, and negotiations.
Traditionally we are taught to prepare for a business meeting or negotiation by researching the other person and their company and then making a list of questions to ask. Although having this knowledge is essential, it is not how you learn more about the other side or how you create a connection with them.
When we ask specific questions, we narrow the conversation’s scope and limit the discussion only to include our limited perspective. The purpose of negotiations, business meetings, or even a networking coffee is to learn about the other person.
In a business relationship, collaboration, or negotiation, our conversations aim to learn what is important to the other person. If we are structuring a deal with someone, we want to know their priorities, obstacles, worries, and suspicions. We want to gain an understanding and strategic empathy for them and their situation.
We don’t do this by asking questions. We do it by listening, mirroring, and labeling.
Three Steps to Mirroring and Labeling
Step 1 – Mirror
Repeat the last 1 to 3 keywords the person says (usually at the end of the sentence), with a tone of CURIOSITY.
Step 2 – Silence – Let the Maccaroni Cook
Use silence as a tool to allow the other person to react to your mirror.
Silence means don’t speak. Don’t break the silence with fillers such as “I see,” “uh ah,” and “oh really.”
Repeat steps 1 and 2 three to five times, depending on the other person’s pace. Don’t interrupt.
Step 3 – Label Their Emotions
Label the person’s emotions with short, clear statements using the sentence stems:
- It seems like…
- It looks like…
- It sounds like…
Some examples are:
“It seems like you’re hesitant.”
“It looks like you have something on your mind.”
“It sounds like this project is very important to you.”
Never use “I” statements because they take the other person’s focus and put it on you. Never use:
- I feel like…
- I think…
- To me, it seems…
The Benefits of Mirroring and Labeling
When we ask questions, we limit the conversation to what we want and what we already know. When we mirror and label, we learn about the other person’s concerns: How will my team execute this deal? Will my manager be happy with this deal? Is this deal the same as the last lousy deal I made? The deal is good for the company, but is it good for me? And several other concerns that we could never imagine or identify through research.
Practice, Practice, Practice
This is not a natural way of speaking and not how we are taught to communicate in English or our language, so it takes practice.
To become good at mirroring and labeling, you should consciously practice three times per day in low-risk situations with:
- Friends
- Family
- Spam phone calls
- Salespeople at stores
- Baristas at coffee shops.
Practice will reveal an amazing phenomenon. People never realize you are mirroring and labeling them. They never know you are mirroring and labeling them. Initially, it is awkward, but they never notice because people focus on their topic.